On a recent trip to Boracay, I stumbled across a novel dining experience… A restaurant devoted entirely to the humble toilet. The simply named ‘Boracay Toilet‘ restaurant is a new concept to the Philippines, although neighbours Taiwan have been eating shit at ‘Modern Toilet‘ for years.
The bog, crapper, throne, lavvy, can, commode, shitter, whatever you call it, it’s probably the last place you’d want to chow down on a delicious lunch, right? Oh no, never mix the ‘in’ and the ‘out’ pipes.
So would you head inside?
I let my curiosity get the better of me and felt myself stepping gingerly inside this strange and new (well, to me anyway) concept. I took my seat upon a real latrine and was handed a toilet-shaped menu by a very cheery looking waitress, dressed in a bright orange and white two piece.
‘Hello Mam, here’s our menu’, she sang, giving me a knowing smile. I glanced at the first dish listed under ‘appetizers’, and got a taste of what’s to come. ‘Buffalo WEE-WEEngs’. Okay…
I scanned down the menu and found such delights as ‘drippy logs’, ‘pork shit-sig’, and ‘it’s greenish and purple’… Well, with such delights on offer, how was I ever going to make a choice?
The seats are toilets and the tables bathtubs!
I ended up taking a recommendation from the waitress and going for the ‘WEE WEEngs’ to start, and the ‘chicken crap’ for my main course. Don’t panic, it’s actually just chicken curry.
While I waited for my food to arrive, I decided to indulge in a little playtime, hiding inside the novelty bog and washing my hands in the urinal. As you do.
My iced tea arrived shortly afterwards, served in a branded ‘Boracay Toilet’ urinal. What I really liked about this was the level of detail they had gone to. It wasn’t your standard iced tea, it was topped with a kind of froth which made it look a little more, y’know, realistic. Sorry if you’re eating right now.
Alex tucking into his urinal
Two plates were laid down in front of us, of course shaped like toilet seats. And colour coordinated so the girls get pink ones and the boys are treated to the blue kind. As I said… Detail.
At last, the wings arrived, this time served in a little tiny bath tub. And oh my god, they were absolute perfection. I’m not sure how they were prepared but the skin was super crispy and the sauce just spicy enough to give you that happy feeling, but not burn your lips, eyes or whatever else you happen to touch after picking one up.
Honestly, these were the best chicken wings I’ve ever had in my life. They were so good that Alex and I decided to ‘rock, paper, scissors’ for the last big wing. I won, and my life was complete.
After this tastebud teaser I couldn’t wait for my chicken shit, or whatever it was that I’d ordered. I waited with huge anticipation and wasn’t disappointed when my main course came out, served in a tiny toilet. Oh, you guys are just killing me with this toilet thing.
My ‘chicken crap’ was tender, saucy and flavourful. (I don’t know if I’ll ever write that sentence again in my life, but it was terribly fun to do so). I mixed it in with the rice and it went down like a dream.
I wish I hadn’t ordered so much rice actually, as when I was done I couldn’t fit in another bite. I would have liked to have squeezed in a dessert turd or sweet poop, but alas. No space.
You can buy your own merch if you so wish
The Boracay Toilet was probably one of my favourite things to do in Boracay, and if you’re planning a visit I would highly recommend stopping by for a plate of their finest shit.
Find the Boracay Toilet set back form the beach in Station 1 in Boracay, Philippines. Ask your tricycle driver to take you to the basketball court and you’ll see it on the main road on the right hand side of the court, when facing it.
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